Good Night Nicky! One More Way our Kids are "Special"

Nicky's favorite place to sleep is in my bed. Given the opportunity he even likes to choose my pajamas, preferably red! Yep, he likes the red and white stripped oversized T shirt I wore when I was pregnant with him.

This all sounds sweet, and when he was smaller sharing a bed was comforting and useful. I was right there when he would wake up at night (which was often) to help him get back to sleep and I always knew where he was. I could sleep because I knew what he was doing, where he was and that he was still alive! I didn't have to worry that he had escaped from the house and run naked to the neighbors with his videos and blanket in tow and taken over their family VCR. I didn't have to be concerned about running in the street looking for him in my pajama's or the little faces of horrified children who had been pushed away from their TV by a naked child, or wonder if he had decided to cook an egg on the stove - minus the pan - or worry if he had decided to go downstairs and watch video's all night, or if the freezer had been opened in the middle of the night leaving all of our food to spoil.

Oh, yes there were benefits to keeping Nicky close, very close. At the same time, like all kids he is so beautiful when he's sleeps and he likes to have me near. I know this because every night, with his eyes still closed I watch his precious little hand reach, fingers stretched apart, extending from his body reaching out searching the bed to see if I am there. If the hand finds me, he returns to his peaceful sleep. If the hand does not find me, he wakes up and screams "Mom!". If he doesn't find me immediately, he's up for the count and so am I. So to minimize sleep deprivation I learned to stay near by.

Now at 11 years old he's just a little to old to be sleeping with me and sleeping with him. It’s just not so precious anymore. Not so precious when; I am sound asleep out like a light and BAM!!! That precious little hand smacks me hard across the face and then it grabs my hair and pulls with all it's might! Crap, what a way to wake up. Not cool, when his favorite pillow is my bottom, which he attempts to uncover and fluff up before putting his head on it. Then there are the nights he pops up at 4AM, turns on all the lights in the house and then uses my bed (while I'm still in it) for a trampoline. Oh and let's not leave out my very favorite. I'm sound asleep and suddenly I hear a little noise and then I'm all wet!!! Nicky has peed on me, the bed, the sheets, the blankets he's soaked and he calmly roles over ready to return to his sound sleep. I leap up, pissed, literally, wake him up send him to the rest room and clean up begins. Oh yes, night time is "Special". LOL

Moving on...Like all mom’s I always say "sweet dreams" to Nicky and its part of his favorite story "Good Night Gorilla". But unlike most kids, Nicky and I have never talked about dreams. He has never alluded to me that he knows what a dream is, or that he had ever had one. But today I opened my eyes and there was Nicky. He woke me up, turned and faced me, looked me in the eyes and here's our conversation:

Nicky: "Mommy dreamed. Pictures in my head. I saw sheeps eating the grass and they got hit by a tractor".
Me: "Wow, you had a dream with sheep are they okay?"
Nicky: "The tractor hit flamingos then the flamingos went to the hospital".
Me: "Really?"
Nicky: "I was sad that the flamingos were at hospital."
Me: "Did you see anything else?"
Nicky: "Sheeps"

Those are his words. His precious words. This is a little miracle for me. It's not everyday that he stares into my eyes, his eyes filled with emotion and I get a peek into Nicky's world. Today I received the best gift he could give me, a completely novel, unprompted, unscripted conversation recalling something about him. Something out of his imagination. I am so happy I didn't miss this moment. It was all worth it, the bad nights, the wet beds because I got to be there. There in that moment when something happened that had never happened before.



Donna

Single Mom, Siblings and the big "If Only"

Evyn (my soon-to-be 16 year old daughter) has been in a NOT so good mood for weeks. She snaps at me at incessantly, she is angry with her friends, her diet is awful, she doesn't want to hear from me, and she doesn't want to do anything with the family. When I try to talk to her I am quickly dismissed with a "Go away, Mom."

I know she is a teenager, which could explain everything. But I worry about her because of how our life is. I wonder how much is being a teenager and how much is all the disappointment and pressure in her life. Then I wonder how much the stress of living with her brother, watching him get so much attention, dealing with his needs and behaviors 24/7, her concern about me being okay, and the pain of her dad not being here factors in. Then I begin to question myself. Have I failed her? Am I doing enough? Can I give her what she needs without failing Nicky? Is there any way to raise two kids to be okay with only one parent?

Last week, the big "If only..." crept in. I started thinking if only there were two parents to raise the kids, we would all be better because:

 The kids would be happier and more balanced.
 I would be a better mom because I wouldn’t have to be dad, too.
 I wouldn't have to disappoint the kids when I can't be in two or three places at one time.
 I would be in a better mood and not so stressed because I shared parenting
 They would be better adults if they had a positive male role model.
 I would have help when I don't know what to do.
 Evyn would be better at making friends because she wouldn’t be so afraid of being disappointed.
 They would get two perspectives on everything.
 I could get two perspectives on everything.
 They could have the option of saying "That's not fair. I'm asking Dad"
 I would be a better Mom if I could turn things over to Dad when I need a break.
 Evyn would be happier if I didn't need to rely on her.
 I would have a partner to back up my decisions.
 They would have another parent to go to when they don't want to listen me.
 I would have someone to tell me if I'm blowing it and help me get back on course.
 They would have an example of how men and women argue and then make up.
 I would have someone to tell me when I shouldn't worry.
 They would have another parent to turn to when "One Parent" doesn't understand.
 I would never have to worry about the kids feeling abandoned.
 Evyn would be better at relationships if she had a dad to teach her about men.
 I could go and do things for me without feeling guilty.
 When they are angry with me or I don’t see their perspective, we would have someone to help bring us together.
 Evyn wouldn't feel less important because of how much attention her brother gets and needs, because she could get more attention.

Then I began getting sadder with each thought, I started feeling like a failure, and I set myself on a downward spiral. I started to cry, and a little voice in me said "STOP IT...SNAP OUT OF IT!" So I stopped. The truth is “If only” doesn’t matter. I took a deep breath and brought myself back into the land of “What Is”. I reminded myself that I am human, I love my kid,s and I am doing my best. Doesn't make me perfect; perfect is an impossible goal. I don't need to waste time feeling bad, just keep moving forward.

Through this painful process, I was able to come full circle back to where my emotional frustration began. I remembered that I will handle whatever life puts in front of me, and I asked myself what it is that I really want.

 I want to be a good mom and raise healthy happy kids.
 I want to pay careful attention not to cross that invisible line between helping her and enabling her.
 I want Evyn to be strong.
 I do not want my guilt to play a leading role in my parenting.
 I want to help her, but I don't want to patronize or baby her.
 I want to help her learn how to trust herself.

Then I remembered that Evyn is a GREAT kid - an amazing kid - and I have done a good job. I just have to remember that I am here to guide her, not to control her. So I am going to focus on the things I can do. I am going to let her be for now. I am not going to make her talk in order to help me feel better. I am going to pay attention to our action-reaction patterns where we push each others buttons, and avoid letting us go there. I am going to trust that she can handle her feelings and that she is learning. I am going to trust that everything that she is learning/doing is a critical part of her development and she has to go through it. I am going to love her and not try and control the situation by trying to "fix" things. I am going to pay attention to what happens next and keep adjusting my plan.

Wow...another day in the life.

"Thank You Mommy"... Happy Mothers Day

I wanted to share something special on mothers day. Then it hit me, the perfect post! Last year a friend sent me a beautiful message. Although it was sent to me, it was a message for all moms who love and support their kids everyday.

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"It's during these extra hard days that it becomes very clear why God sent Nicky to YOU. Nicky is an angel who was sent to Earth in a form that may never allow him to feel the hurt, of disappoint from bad people, crapy bosses, shity girlfriends, or bad credit. He just is a wondrous, peaceful, ball of pure joy, who deserves to be protected and shielded from anything that could ever hurt him. In his infinite wisdom, God sent an ANGEL from heaven to an ANGEL on Earth, and that would be YOU. As draining as it is for you, to watch you keep it together and endure his challenges is remarkable on so many levels it's impossible to put into words. Deep inside him, there's a healthy boy trapped inside that body who knows that you are there for him. Since he can't tell you, I'll say it for him..

"Thank you mommy for always being here to hold me and protect me when I'm hurting. I know I will get better as long as I have you. I Love You."

Now, go have a good day!

Happy Mothers Day Everyone