My Monsters....the nick name I've given to those "More than I can truly comprehend or take in ASD moments". I remember my first monster, the definition of Autism, "Autism is a permanent disability requiring lifelong care, for which there is no known cause or cure" this was so scary, so big, just like a monster. I met this monster like monsters should be met...with every defense possible to keep it from consuming me! My weapon of choice, denial. I refused to let myself imagine Nicky as an adult with autism. I refused to think such a thought, just in case thinking it, was somehow acceptance. Acceptance signaling the universe that I had given up and if I gave up it would be my lack of faith that made it so.
To keep my monster at bay, I held on to the idea that my kid would be the miracle kid who snapped out of it. He might wake up one day and be better, or he'll respond so well to his interventions that by the time he's grown up he'll just have a "little" autism. Not true for us. When he graduated from elementary school I knew it was time for me to let myself open up to what was true for Nicky. He's smart, fun, adorable and precious and he's come a long way! His progress is slow but steady. He has a lot of autism and he's probably not going to snap out of it. I get that, and today it doesn't feel like I've given up, it just feels like what is, for us, for now.
That was a good thing.…. because as it turns out I let go just in time to have a new monster PUBERTY and it's inevitable counterpart ADULTHOOD. I'm embarrassed to say that Nicky as a kid with ASD, I get it (after 11 years) but Nicky as a teenager, an adult; feels as scary and overwhelming as the original diagnosis. It's autism less the adorable child that can't be denied ….it is my new monster.
I bid you a lot of luck, as I went through this with my child. In denial, completely went along with the "I'll do everything humanly possible, even getting him into hyperbaric chambers, putting him on Mb12 shots, keeping his immune system healthy, etc. to make sure he has little to no autism when he grows up!"
ReplyDeleteIt all backfired on me though when puberty hit, didn't matter what treatment, technique, therapy we threw at our child, he was still going to be autistic. It hit us right in the gut. Puberty was the biggest monster for us, my son turned from this sweet, passive, barely verbal boy into this angry, aggressive, still barely verbal young man. He is now 15 years old, and we are still dealing with that puberty monster.
It scares me, because literally 2-3 years ago, I thought just maybe, if I give him all the love and help I can, he will succeed, and be happier. It took him 8 years to give me a real hug, then I started getting them everyday, when he started hitting puberty, the hugs and eye contact both stopped. Now I want to rewind time just to feel that hug again, and I'm terrified of what life entails for us as a family.
Hang in there, your not alone!
Dear anonymous, I am sending you a big hug and my prayers and we move forward one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteDonna