Tuesday, June 14, 2011

If Anyone Needs a Laugh :)


 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
 are things people actually  said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
 court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
 taking place.

 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
 ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS:      My name is  Susan!

 ATTORNEY:   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.

 ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS:      Yes.
 ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS:     I forget..
 ATTORNEY:  You  forget?  Can you give us an example of something you

 ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
 WITNESS:     We both do.
 ATTORNEY:   Voodoo?
 WITNESS:     We do..
 ATTORNEY:  You do?
 WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.

 ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
 he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar  exam?

 ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS:       He's 20, much like your IQ.

 ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?

 ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August  8th?
 WITNESS:     Yes.
 ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS:     Getting laid

 ATTORNEY:   She had three children, right?
 WITNESS:      Yes.
 ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
 WITNESS:   None.
 ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
 WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
                        Can I get a new  attorney?

 ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS:      By death..
 ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS:     Take a guess.

 ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS:     He was  about medium height and had a beard
 ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

 ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
 deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
                        on dead people?
 WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school
                        did you go  to?
 WITNESS:      Oral...

 ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
 ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.

 ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS:      Are you qualified to ask that question?

 And  last:

 ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
                       check for a pulse?
 WITNESS:     No.
 ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS:      No.
 ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS:      No..
 ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient
                       was alive when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS:      No.
 ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a  jar.
 ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
 WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
 practicing law.


  1. These are great! Thanks for the laugh.

  2. Hysterical! Loved the witty reponses to the witless!