The End of A Journey, Son's Aging Out - A Future Fading Away
As I walked into summer school with Nick this morning I was hit by
a wave of grief, and I didn't know what it was, or why, or where it came from.
I froze, held back tears and struggled to get my balance. I took a deep
breath, and then I got it. I was face to face with the end of a journey.
Next year Nick will be a senior and all that we have known; in the way of
structure, things to do, support and plans based on the possibility of the
future, the gift of the unknown will be gone. The future we fought so hard to
make as bright and potential filled as possible, is here, and for all of our
accomplishments and hard work, my kiddo has arrived at this place, still fully
dependent on others and I'm so sad.
Nick will be a senior, but he won't really
graduate, because he's on diploma track. He'll stay in school somewhere for a
few more years, but only because there are no options. If I can't find a
better choice for him, he'll be the 20, 21 and 22 year old on a HS campus, the
special ed kid who's stuck, the school mascot who stayed behind after the party
was over and the image makes me sad.
Please know I am so grateful he will still
have somewhere to go, that he has options, but I am also sad. At this
moment I feel like confirmation that a little dream (hope, prayer or denial) I
had deep inside that he would have more, unexpectedly just up and died
today!
I know I have to find another dream,
another perspective and I'll get my wind back. Just had to share, to be heard,
because I know so many of you appreciate my positivity and a few have asked if
I ever just loose it? The answer is yes, I do. Today I did. I'll
pick myself up, and I'll be good until the next time, the next wave, the next
visit with the grief that keeps on giving.
