Friday, January 2, 2009

Another Year Another lesson

With the help of my family and friends I finally see things differently. I no longer measure my days by long lists of goals that don't get crossed off, setting myself up for disappointment. Today I measure my days by asking myself "Did I do the best I could today?", "Did I help anybody?", "Did I make a difference?". Life will never look like it did before autism and I accept that where there is a will there is a way...I just don't have to know the way in advance.

Nicky was diagnosed 8 years ago. Since that time my life has changed and continues to change in ways I could have never imagined, articulated, anticipated or even understood. I still don't know all the ways his diagnosis has changed my life, or what changes were the result of his diagnosis or what was just "life".

Before Nicky was born I was a mom, wife and businesswomen. I was great at making a plan and then working my plan. This was how I got things done, this was the mold for my life. I said what I was going to do, and then I arranged my life to make it happen...no big deal, just mental focus and determination.

Then came Nicky. He was sick a lot as a baby so I cut my work schedule back to take care of him and Evyn. He was 14 months old before I found a part time day care for him, and he was 20 months when he was stuck with pneumonia, 22 months when he lost his speech, and 24 months when we received a diagnosis for autism. During this time, there were NO plans, just reactions to situations. I couldn't make any plans because I didn't know from one day to another what would happen with Nicky. Change on a daily basis became the only plan, defense vs offense. I was living in survival mode.

This was a massive adjustment for me because it was foreign. I had given up all that "pro active" control of my life as I knew it in the work world. I didn't think of my life as controlled but, it was, in the sense that "I" could make a plan work a plan and it was all up to me. I decided when to eat, when to shower, where to work, when to sleep, when to wake up, what I wanted to do that day, yes I was in control.

Although I couldn't see it then, there safety for me in all those plans and goals. Now, living in crisis there was no safety and I was literally going one day, one hour at a time.

I no longer worked full time and soon I began living completely in the "mom" part of me. The female part of me who only knew that taking care of her kids was what she had to do. The more male work side that I had developed over the years to survive in business was on the shelf. Then some 7 years later I realized that I needed that side to come out to take care of my entire family, to run a business, to make plans that would insure our financial future. It was time to set goals and get things done because, as a single mom, if I didn't who would. Who would care for my kids, who would care for Nicky, who would make sure he would not end up a ward of the state dependent on social services. No one, so I had to focus on business.

I tried to shift my focus back to work and I engage how I always had. Time and time again I would gather up folks set meetings and make plans, which were canceled and replaced by what the kids needed. Get in, make a plan, and put that plan to work. I repeatedly told myself, you know what to do, just get it done. And each time I didn't get it done I just got more frustrated with myself. I really didn't get "why" I couldn't do it all when I knew I had to.

I finally accepted that it didn't work because I was not the person I was before Nicky. I had two children to raise and I was now a single parent. I had to find a way to stop expecting myself to be able to do it all, to stop thinking that made me inadequate or a failure. I had to accept that no one can do it all.

With the help of my family and friends I finally see things differently, I have a different perspective. I no longer measure my days by long lists of goals that don't get crossed off and I measure my day by asking myself "Did I do the best I could today?", "Did I help anybody?", "Did I make a difference?". I finally accept that life will never look like it did before Nicky and It's better than the list that never seems to be completed. I accept that different is not necessarily bad. I accept that where there is a will there is a way...I just don't have to know in advance.

Happy New Year.

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