Monday, January 19, 2009

The Nightmares; and my wake up call to let go...a little.

Maybe it's the budget crisis, wondering how he will get the help he needs for a lifetime, maybe it was the exhaustion of the holidays, maybe it was the result of his recent exploits going to neighbors homes, but the past few weeks I have inserted a reoccurring theme into my dreams; Nicky injured laying in a hospital bed. One time he was in a car accident as a passenger, one time he had been hit by a car, one time he had gotten sick and someone had taken him to the hospital, one time he had fallen. What I found interesting was that each time the accident happens I'm not there, I was not in the cars, I wasn't nearby, someone had to call me. In each dream I don't know how he is until I see him for the first time on a gurney in the ER.

It's a simple message "how will I keep him safe", "how do I protect him". Nicky is no different from any other child, as parents we just want them to be okay we want them to be safe. I know that when my daughter has cried out to me in pain, it goes right to my core like a lightening bolt and my heart pounds as cry back "What's wrong? Are you Okay?". The intense fear we feel when they are hurt or sad is primal. We all just want our kids to be safe and even though me know intellectually we cannot spare them from any pain, emotionally we try.

We can't protect anyone from life, because life has a plan of it's own and it unwinds as it see's fit not how we see fit. At the same time, Nicky is unlike Evyn who will learn to protect herself from some of what life has to offer, and Nicky may not. I can talk to Evyn about life's dangers and help her to protect herself, I can't do that with Nicky.

This dream was the awakening of another level of acceptance, and letting go. He's ten. He just had his first sleepover with a friend, he's growing up. It's time for me to work on letting go of my fear and giving him room to grow, which means room to fail. I have to accept that I will not always be there to keep Nicky safe, its impossible. I also have to remind myself that what is best for him is that he be able to achieve his greatest level of independence. That won't happen if I hold on to tight. So I must loosen my mommy grip and let him learn.

So it was mommy wake up time, time to let him grow and know that he will be okay and to trust that if he isn't I'll be there, just like in my dreams.

1 comment:

  1. I am proud to know you. Knowing is better than believing. Believing is better than hoping. Hoping is better than not believing at all. Knowing that you had to push the send button. Nice work! We are all one mind working as one,your son's mind is perfect. He knows it. Outside appearances are not the truth of who we are. It is only a way to be identified as what we are.