Single Mom, Siblings and the big "If Only"

Evyn (my soon-to-be 16 year old daughter) has been in a NOT so good mood for weeks. She snaps at me at incessantly, she is angry with her friends, her diet is awful, she doesn't want to hear from me, and she doesn't want to do anything with the family. When I try to talk to her I am quickly dismissed with a "Go away, Mom."

I know she is a teenager, which could explain everything. But I worry about her because of how our life is. I wonder how much is being a teenager and how much is all the disappointment and pressure in her life. Then I wonder how much the stress of living with her brother, watching him get so much attention, dealing with his needs and behaviors 24/7, her concern about me being okay, and the pain of her dad not being here factors in. Then I begin to question myself. Have I failed her? Am I doing enough? Can I give her what she needs without failing Nicky? Is there any way to raise two kids to be okay with only one parent?

Last week, the big "If only..." crept in. I started thinking if only there were two parents to raise the kids, we would all be better because:

 The kids would be happier and more balanced.
 I would be a better mom because I wouldn’t have to be dad, too.
 I wouldn't have to disappoint the kids when I can't be in two or three places at one time.
 I would be in a better mood and not so stressed because I shared parenting
 They would be better adults if they had a positive male role model.
 I would have help when I don't know what to do.
 Evyn would be better at making friends because she wouldn’t be so afraid of being disappointed.
 They would get two perspectives on everything.
 I could get two perspectives on everything.
 They could have the option of saying "That's not fair. I'm asking Dad"
 I would be a better Mom if I could turn things over to Dad when I need a break.
 Evyn would be happier if I didn't need to rely on her.
 I would have a partner to back up my decisions.
 They would have another parent to go to when they don't want to listen me.
 I would have someone to tell me if I'm blowing it and help me get back on course.
 They would have an example of how men and women argue and then make up.
 I would have someone to tell me when I shouldn't worry.
 They would have another parent to turn to when "One Parent" doesn't understand.
 I would never have to worry about the kids feeling abandoned.
 Evyn would be better at relationships if she had a dad to teach her about men.
 I could go and do things for me without feeling guilty.
 When they are angry with me or I don’t see their perspective, we would have someone to help bring us together.
 Evyn wouldn't feel less important because of how much attention her brother gets and needs, because she could get more attention.

Then I began getting sadder with each thought, I started feeling like a failure, and I set myself on a downward spiral. I started to cry, and a little voice in me said "STOP IT...SNAP OUT OF IT!" So I stopped. The truth is “If only” doesn’t matter. I took a deep breath and brought myself back into the land of “What Is”. I reminded myself that I am human, I love my kid,s and I am doing my best. Doesn't make me perfect; perfect is an impossible goal. I don't need to waste time feeling bad, just keep moving forward.

Through this painful process, I was able to come full circle back to where my emotional frustration began. I remembered that I will handle whatever life puts in front of me, and I asked myself what it is that I really want.

 I want to be a good mom and raise healthy happy kids.
 I want to pay careful attention not to cross that invisible line between helping her and enabling her.
 I want Evyn to be strong.
 I do not want my guilt to play a leading role in my parenting.
 I want to help her, but I don't want to patronize or baby her.
 I want to help her learn how to trust herself.

Then I remembered that Evyn is a GREAT kid - an amazing kid - and I have done a good job. I just have to remember that I am here to guide her, not to control her. So I am going to focus on the things I can do. I am going to let her be for now. I am not going to make her talk in order to help me feel better. I am going to pay attention to our action-reaction patterns where we push each others buttons, and avoid letting us go there. I am going to trust that she can handle her feelings and that she is learning. I am going to trust that everything that she is learning/doing is a critical part of her development and she has to go through it. I am going to love her and not try and control the situation by trying to "fix" things. I am going to pay attention to what happens next and keep adjusting my plan.

Wow...another day in the life.