Last week would have been my 19 year wedding anniversary. I can still feel the joy I felt on my wedding day. I remember the confidence that came from knowing that I had married the perfect man and it couldn’t get any better. I never considered that I might have been wrong. I only imagined one ending and this was not it. I know you can’t enter into a marriage with an alternate plan and lot’s of what ifs. I’m glad I got married thinking only the best. It was that belief that made our wedding day and the early years of our marriage so phenomenal and gave me strength when I needed it.
That same certainly, which ended in disaster, now leaves me questioning my judgment. Three years after my divorce, I am still working my way through the emotional aftermath. Much of which I don't even know exists until it pops up, seemingly out of nowhere. Mostly it shows up in the form of a question "If I was doing everything right and I failed, how do I protect myself?". I always tell myself I’m okay. Lately, I thought I had released the disappointment and hurt of David and others in my life, and then today someone told me “You’re never going to find what you’re looking for because he doesn’t exist. You are looking for Mr. Perfect and you are going to wake up one day and be 60 and all alone”. The words sent me spinning and thinking maybe I’m not as okay as I tell myself. Maybe, I have come to a place when I unwittingly avoiding disappointment at all cost finding excuses to keep people out. A painful question. I spent the day crying. The process continues.
((((hugs))))
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