Evyn and I have talked about her going off to college and for years she told me "I'm not going far I want to stay here". I've always said, you'll go where it's best for you to go based on what you want to do, not based on staying near home. Easy when she was 10, a little rougher now that the time is drawing near. Today Evyn left on a road trip to visit Stanford with two other girls and reality got a jump start! As told a friend where she was going, my friend began to talk about things I would need to do to make the adjustment. I could feel my stomach get tight and I didn't want to think about it and I said "Enough! I can only do this one day at a time. I'll do it, I'll be okay, but I still have a little more than a year to get adjusted".
I will adjust because I know that moving away to go to college is what's best for her. She is a girl who's life has been shaped by living with me and a disabled sibling. She needs an opportunity to get perspective on the world, to get out of the house, to be free of the stress of living with Autism and to learn how to have a Nicky and Mom free existence. Evyn needs and deserves the opportunity to become her own person without the guilt that comes with worrying about us.
Before she left we talked about how hard it will be for me when she goes away. I couldn't begin to cover my feelings on this one. She is the one who say's "Good Night Mom, I love" and she is the one who tells me to stop when I am doing to much, or to take it easy when I'm sick. She is the one who keeps a mirror in front of me that has me always trying to do better. She's the one who watches her brother so I can run to the store the movies or take a bath, she is the one who I connect with, so yes it will be hard. At the same time she knew I was telling the truth when I said none of that is more important to me that the joy I am going to feel as I watch her build her own life.
I am reminded that courage is "Not the lack of fear but the ability to act in spite of the fear". We are connected and she brings so much joy,compassion, support, concern, pride, perspective, laughter, sunshine, purpose and balance into my life in a way that only she can. It's hard to imagine how our life will be without her here, the only thing harder would be to imagine I had raised a girl who didn't get the opportunity to be the best that she could be. I'm excited for her.
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Comment by Booga's Mom It'll be okay. I sent my oldest son to Oklahoma with the same trepidations. Now when he comes to visit I think to myself, I'm not use to having this many people in the house with me at the same time anymore. I kind of have become use to the quiet. It is hard sometimes when I want to just leave the house and do something with someone not to have that person who will take care of Boog for me when I need them to and it is difficult not to have someone to bounce off of when Boog leaves me frustrated and wanting to run into the office or bang my head on the wall. But it will be okay. You'll be glad someday that you had the courage to let them go. Because they do need to move on with their lives. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYour beautiful post has left me crying. My oldest is a junior and I can't even believe that we only have a year before he is off to college. There are so many emotions tied up in those "apron strings." I am so proud of the young man he has become and I am so excited for all the experiences he is going to have, yet a part of me desperately misses that four year old boy that was my best little buddy. Where does the time go? I just may start belting out a verse or two of "Sunrise, Sunset."
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