Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Countdown…..the end of the beginning

If you’ve lived with a person with autism you already know; When I fall, and I’m hurt, Nicky goes on his way. If I’m sick and can’t get out of bed, Nicky goes his way. If I’m sad and crying, Nicky goes his way. If I had a heart attack and needed help, Nicky would go his way. Not because he doesn’t love me, he does, he just doesn’t connect meaning to what he sees. 

In my case, kinda empty....kinda not! 
Nonetheless my life has balance. I’ve been blessed to live with Nicky and my typical daughter Evyn, who beyond being an incredible human, she’s been my buddy, my steady person, my lifeline, my safety net 24/7. She offers to bring me tea when I’m sick, she responds when I cry.  She tells me I look pretty, or tired. She encourages me to sit down when she thinks I’m over doing. She asks “What can I do” when there is a problem.  She calls 911 in an emergency. 

In four days she moves out and begins her college journey.  Gone will be the one other person in the house living with ASD. Gone will be the person who knows me and Nicky who gives me perspective, because she see's everything, and she holds nothing back.

I feel guilty that I’m feeling sad for me. At the same time, I am certain that I am happier for her than I am sad for me. I am certain that I will adapt and will learn how to enjoy things just as they are.  I am absolutely positive that I want her to move on, she deserves to go and grow! But right now, as the days count down I’m pushing away the thoughts of how alien it will be and scary it will be to only have one pair of eyes & ears in the house. How empty it will feel to have no one to turn to at 3:am when Nicky’s not sleeping, how vulnerable I will be, how alone I will feel when she’s gone and how quiet the house will be!  

I just keeping repeating to myself…..this is the not the end, it is the end of the beginning. I will be fine. I can handle this. I will handle this. It will be okay.  All parents go through this. 


  1. Hi There! :) I work in the field and have been dropping by your blog every so often! Great blog by the way.

    Just want to encourage you that .. you're simply human so it makes sense for you to have those feelings/thoughts.
    But more importantly.. take it one day at a time.
    Keep up the good work and GOD bless..

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  3. I wish Evyn, and you (and Nicky) the best of luck with the transition!

  4. What you are doing now is critical for his future. You are the BEST mom around.