Monday, August 15, 2011

The Ugly & Unforgivable Thoughts - Better off Dead

Nicky is still young, living at home where I can care for them.  It's the best option, but not promised forever. Recently I posted an article detailing abuse in centers for people with developmental disabilities in NY, now I can't let get this quote out of my mind…..

 “When I first started working there, I was told, ‘Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut and you’ll do just fine here,’ ” said Mary Maioriello, a former employee at the Oswald D. Heck Developmental Center near Albany,   

 I feel sick every time I read one of these stories, or see a person with a DD on the street, alone or homeless.  I used to look at people who had mental disabilities and I felt sorry for them.  I helped in some little way if I wasn't too frightened or judgmental. But that was it, I didn't know them and they didn't have a story.

That's not how it is for me today. Now I see Nicky in every person I see who is homeless, or might have some kind of mental illness. I see what could be his future. This is the thing that scares me most, this is the reality that haunts my dreams and drives me the hardest.  The truth is when I'm gone,  who will really be able to care for him.  Who will want to take care of him 24/7? Who will make sure that he's not just safe from the dangers of the outside world, but from the dangers on the inside world. The more subtle abuse or neglect people may not be able to see. The abuse that only happens when no one's watching.  In the really dark days I think I would rather Nicky not be alive than be left on the streets or abused at the hands of others. I pray for the future, I pray for our kids, I pray for Nicky.

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