Sunday, July 2, 2017

Single moms, working, parenting and special kids...where does that leave dating?


Single moms, working, parenting and special kids...where does that leave dating?
What women doesn't want to find the perfect guy, who will complete her family and make her happy? Well, I do and despite a failed marriage and a hectic life, the dream still lives inside. 


I guess that's why when a friend convinced me that given my busy schedule online dating was a great way to meet someone, I didn't say no. After lot's of prodding I finally agreed "What have I got to loose!" and I signed up. Much to my surprise it was fun doing the personality profile, focusing on myself and getting "Meet Mr.X" messages sent to my email for my approval. For weeks I just looked at the matches and it was good for my ego. I didn't feel like a mom, or a divorced mom, or a mom with two kids, or a mom with a special needs kid - or most of all a mom who really didn't have time in her life to be a great mom, the breadwinner and date!  I just felt like a girl, who wanted to meet a guy and that felt nice. About 1 month in I decided to take a leap and I began texting with someone, then we talked on the phone a few times and I agreed to meet  at a local tea spot. We had a 35 minute chat. A week or so later I was attending an event and I invited him to tag along, we hung out for a couple hours.

Then, he hit hyper relationship drive, which was like hitting a wall at 70 miles per hour, boom! To me it felt as if he was ready to go full speed and plan the wedding. Which was not what I wanted to do. I just wanted a little relationship to begin with. And now I wondered "What had I done?" I wanted it to slow down and maybe even stop all together. I don't know all the emotions that were driving me. Was it him or was it me? I wondered if I was just not interested in a nice guy, was I sabotaging a potential relationship with someone who was really interested in me, because I had become so used to relationships being a battle, and me having to struggle for the love and attention I deserved. I had no idea all I knew for sure was this didn't feel right to me.  So, I kindly thanked him and explained "Me tortoise, you hare and a backed away". Three days later we exchanged these messages:

Message # 1 from Him:

Donna,

Is this the end??????? I'm not sure what happened, or where I /we went wrong. I'd assumed a woman of your caliber and education would be a tad more considerate and understanding. Please understand this, you don't owe me anything whatsoever. I just thought you wouldn't "diss" me this way. After all, we didn't just happen to meet at the local 7/11. We purposely and specifically met via an online "dating" service. Which (call me crazy) generally means folks go there to meet new people with the goal of seeking potential "dates", etc. If you were not serious about dating, or even more importantly; not interested in me. Why did you bother? No disrespect intended, no one like wasting their time, nor spinning their wheels with someone who's indifferent. I'm flesh and blood, and I have feelings too!

All I was originally seeking from you Donna was some degree of clarity from your statements from our Thursday night phone conversation. From my end of the phone, all I heard was a series of thoughts and words strung together to form a somewhat incoherent statement. A "thought smorgasbord" if you will. You then went on to say that your dinner was in the oven. Then abruptly ended the conversation, with the proviso that you would call me back later that evening. So far, so good. However, as we know; that conversation has yet to take place. :-( Bob Dylan summed it up nicely, "...you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."

Unless I hear otherwise, I can assure you this will be the last time I'll reach out to you. :-( You have a multitude of very desirable traits. And yes, I will miss you greatly. However, (once again, no disrespect intended) communication (with me) was NOT your strong point. Most of our communications were text-based, which is OK for general contact. But hardly suitable for gaining knowledge/context/nuance about a person. And our phone conversations were very short, generally one sided, while you multi-tasked in the background. I understand you have a very busy life. Nonetheless, often times... I felt you were not totally listening to me. More times than not, I often wondered why you even bothered with the hassle of going on eHarmony.

You mentioned in your blogs, "...you are going to wake up one day and be 60 and all alone". If you want someone in your life, you're going to have to let down your guard... a little, and let them in! Your have a very complicated life. But not an impossible one. As you well know, anything is possible... if you really want it. In my case, I may not be the "type" of man you generally date. Which as far as I'm concerned, should be a good thing. :-) Besides, if they were "all that", our paths would perhaps never crossed! My "ex" the, "shrink" use to tell me that a sure sign of insanity was doing the same exact thing over and over again. Expecting a different outcome. What I may lack in material goods, etc. I more than make it up in those sought after, "intangibility assets", such as warmth, heart, soul, friendship, emotional support, companionship, honesty, great kisser+, devotion, compassion, understanding, patience, teamwork, and yes... unconditional love. When was the last time you really thought a man was really just into YOU? When was the last time you were with a man who you knew, "had your back"???

Anywho, it was a distinct and total pleasure meeting you. You are an awesome woman, Ms Ross-Jones! I'm so glad I met you.

Good luck in whatever paths your life takes you. I won't soon forget you.


p.s. - I really wanted to meet both Nicky & Evyn.

Message # 2 My Response


Wow, Ouch and Okay. When I read this last night I was taken aback and my immediate thought was to respond line by line. I opted not to, because I was feeling too defensive and no matter how I felt in the moment, I always trust that all things happy for a reason. This morning I woke with two thoughts;

I am sorry for any angst I have caused you, it was never my intention. I'm just still finding my way.

In response to your question "Is this the end?" Yes, it is.

Thank you for being honest, and again my apologies for any upset I caused you. Take care. I wish you every happiness.

Donna


Message #3 Response From Him

I was hoping this would be an opening for additional dialog. Once again I misread the situation.


Response #4  Response from Him
One More Question: Would you possibility reconsider additional contact with me? I've been rather stressed here at work, and I think it reflected in my email from last night.

If indeed we're to never speak again. I would like to attempt to end things on a more positive note.

If not, I totally understand.
---------------------------

That was the end of the messages, and online dating but this was still a great lesson for me. I learned maybe not the right time, maybe not the right guy. But, for sure I was not ready to spread my attention beyond my kids, family and work and in the end I was cool with that.  And I am, no matter how long it takes.

7 comments:

  1. That guy is a nut, and you were right to cut it off. He was already manipulating you- using your blog against you, using your kids (meeting them) as emotional blackmail, disparaging your words.... don't even give him a second thought.

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  2. Also, I think your biggest mistake was giving him so much information.

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  3. I tend to be candid with little thought of people using it against me...I'll learn!

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  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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