Thursday, January 31, 2013

ASD & Puberty Part II - “Parents, Part of the Problem, or the Solution?”

He's so big!!!

For all of you who thought my post on puberty "Boys without Boundaries" helped you, I have to share that it was perhaps an even greater help to me!  It was like letting go of a secret.  I've always believed that what we can’t put to words, we can’t put rest. We have to talk about things to really process them. Telling you the truth made it possible for me to process and let go of some of the shame, embarrassment, inadequacy and fear that shows up for me as I watch my boy become a man in a world where he doesn't fit.  

For the umpteenth time it was up to me to get out of the way, and be part of the solution not the emotional mom who unwittingly, and with all good intentions had become part of the problem. (I hate that!)  Here's what is; Nick is Nick  he doesn't see the world the way I do. I have to constantly remind myself that I can't superimpose my emotions on him!  Once I acknowledged it was my feelings, ideas, and issues keeping me from doing what’s best for Nick  things started to change. I pushed past my stuff and started talking about it, and asking more people for help.  And perhaps most important of all I started asking the questions I really didn't want to hear the answers too, but knew ignorance wasn't going to make it go away. 

As of today, none of his behaviors have changed, in fact in some ways they are worse. Puberty and how fast he's growing is playing a role in how he responds to medication, so he's way less focused, frustrated and not sleeping so good. We're working our way through it.   

On the upside, I've found that if I prepare myself and frame the really difficult conversations in clinical talk or humor or pretend I'm not really taking about my family, I can talk about the tough stuff.  This is good because our team is having direct conversations and as a result I've asked that they point out when I'm treating him like my baby, and not like the man he is becoming.  None of it's comfortable, and I’m still not ready for him to grow up. I’m just moving on the path of accepting there’s not a darn thing I can do about it. 

I’ll keep you posted. 

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