Death of A Super Power
Descriptions commonly used when others describe me;
always positive, happy, kind, optimistic, rose colored glasses, upbeat, determined and strong.
I am that person to my core. I love being this person. These traits are my superpowers. They are the superpowers that made building a business possible in a crazy industry, where few women thrive. They are the powers that make being a single mom, raising two kids alone, and raising a son with autism; no matter how challenging, a place where I find enormous joy.
Being this person fuels me, keeps me safe; connected to the things important to me and protects me in a world that otherwise might be too much for me.
But loss, especially prolonged loss can make a person think differently. In my case it wasn't one loss it was a barrage of loss, personal and societal. One loss after another in a short period of time, four years to be exact. With no time to recover from one loss to the next loss, I was weakening unaware my superpowers, my shield was thinning, cracking.
This period began with the loss of our cherished dog of 16 years, Shadow. Shadow was my daughters’ best friend and her confidant. Shadow was her “Person”.
Then two weeks later my mom. My brilliant compassionate and to me perfect mom who had been living with us since her diagnosis of cancer, who I was blessed to nurse during her hospice. My beloved mom who helped me raise my kids. My mom who is why I am who I am, why I exist. My mom who gave me the gift of being beside her, holding her hand when she took her last breath.
My mom was gone. My daughter and I had both in a matter of weeks lost our anchors and the house, our home was missing two souls and it felt empty.
Next came the sudden death of a young friend, the fires in Australia. I would wake at night imagining my friends suffering, and my mind filled with visions of millions of animals dying, burned to death. All the while living a daily discomfort resulting from a President who left me feeling abandoned as an American, a human being.
When reality sank in, and the raw hurt of the moment settled, a new feeling began to set in. I can only describe this feeling as a deep all encompassing fatigue - a sort of dull low-grade hurting in my heart.
My family of four, my mom and three girls was now only two.
And, before I could identify what I was feeling, much less catch my breath, we were on lock down. Covid 19 hit America introducing the world to a new reality. People were scared and scrambling. For me it was dual reality. I was sad for humans but I felt happy for the earth who was clearing, demanding a break from the daily human activities destroying her. She needed and deserved a break.
The day my daughter’s office closed due to Covid and workers across the Globe were sent home to shelter in place, came the news a dear friend had inoperable brain cancer and eight weeks later she slipped away. Fatigue.
Fatigue turned to despair as I watched George Floyd. Over and over we watched a man being murdered by those whose job description is "Protect and Serve".
My shield crumbled.
Thinking of my children, unable to escape the truths of racism, I felt fear. I have diligently worked to ignore and keep this truth out of their daily narrative. A truth I work to allude and insulate myself from by living in a very liberal community. A community where the racist communiques are subtle taps, not blatant attacks with guns, police knees or batons; creating an illusion of safety for me and my children.
My children, my precious fabulous children with brown skin are not safe. This truth is just too much for this mama. Too painful. My children are in danger just for being them, and as a parent the danger is one, I can’t protect them from. I close my eyes and I see them being harmed and I'm helpless. I’ve become too porous. I seem to feel the pain of the world, it's people, the planet. I am like an open wound with exposed nerves and my positivity has been replaced with reflexes of pain and grief. For the first time in my life I was asking myself "What's the Point?" What matters in a world where a living being, an innocent person can beg for life, and still to be killed. What does it matter that we work hard to build a life for ourselves and our children when they are not safe anywhere. What does it matter that we put them through school, if when they graduate into a world where the wealth inequality makes financial success impossible for most. What does it matter that we do our best to be good law abiding Americans, while others in the highest of positions disregard the rule of law and our Constitution. What does it matter when the world seems to be going up in flames fueled by greed, fear, racism, rage and destruction?
Without my superpowers to protect me, I can't stop asking myself "What's the Point?" This is not a suicidal type question, it is a despair question. Because for the first time in my life I had no answer. No optimistic retort, no positive spin. I had nothing, I was blank.
Then out of this fatigue came hints of possibility, hints of what could still be. Maybe everything had not gone to shit, instead maybe it was all being broken down so the universe could rebuild..and in seeing this I was clearly feeling more me.
I watched the country collectively agree to have a conversation about policing, racial equality and the role we all play in it. I watched young people stand up and say "No More", because they don't want to live in a world with this type of injustice and inequity.
That's when it hit me. Evolution is ongoing, stopping for nothing in or of this moment. The universe is old, and it is wise beyond not just our knowledge, but our comprehension. It’s been here for a period of time; we can’t quantify or comprehend. Our universe has literally experienced the unimaginable, yet here it is, here we are.
This leaves me where I am right now. Thinking, maybe there is no big idea, just this, life. Perhaps our only purpose is having a human experience. A wonderful human experience with all that entails; nature, love, food, joy, pain, hope, intelligence, family.
And, what if we only get this brief moment in time to learn how to love ourselves, each other and this planet and then we leave it.
When I make it all that simple, I feel better.
When I make it that simple, I know what to do.
When I make it that simple, I know what to do.
Be, Live, Love
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